I found myself just getting fearful about starting a blog about fear. Weird. Let’s just come right out and say it, fear is a bitch. It is sneaky, powerful, master of camouflage and can hit you in an instant. At any given time you are either living in fear or love. There is no middle area. Fear or love. I work very hard to stay in love. Fear gets me hammered. Fear makes me controlling. Fear robs me of my confidence, integrity and worth. Fear limits my full God given, divine powers to do good. I was so sick of going in and out of detox centers and day programs and treatment facilities that when I got to my last one I did EVERYTHING I was told. If something worked for someone else I was trying it. I was told to acknowledge when I was living in fear and walk through it. I realized that I was living very scared. Terrified is probably a better word. I was terrified to fail at life. I was terrified of failing at motherhood and being a wife. I was scared of being ugly. I was scared about being fat. I was scared of looking too girlie but also being too masculine. I was scared that I wasn’t funny or out going enough but also fearful that I was too much for people to handle. There is a phrase in recovery that we use called, “Getting the F*$& Its.” “Oh he just got a case of the F its and went out and used.” Or, “She said F it and got hammered.” I now use this phrase to my advantage and switched its meaning. I think one of the things that has leveled me up most in recovery is seeing or feeling something that scares me and saying “F it” and doing it. I say “F it” and take that action even when it doesn’t really matter. It keeps my skills fresh. I said “F it” and made a video sharing my story. I said “F it” and started talking about my struggles on social media. I said “F it” and approached an amazing speaker at a meeting. I said “F it” and applied to be the AZ hub for Boho Beautiful’s Positive Movement Tour. I have said “F it” to more things in the past two years that I have my whole entire life. Guess what has come of it? I have a community of supportive people that I have met. I have people asking for help with their own struggles. I have people opening up to me about stuff they never thought they would ever talk about. I have people saying thank you to me for just being positive. I have people thanking me for being so raw and real. I was selected to be the AZ hub of that yoga tour! And because of that yoga tour, I was referred to the amazing people at Powerhouse Hoops that offered me a yoga studio of my own. And because I am able to have that yoga studio, I am able to surround myself with love. I am able to give all my love back. I am able to create a space that people come and get their peace. Whatever that looks like to them. None of this would have happened if I listened to my fears. Today I use my fear at a road map. I can go this way and face my fears and grow … or I can bury my head in the sand and be miserable. I choose grow. When I say “F it” I am in living in love for myself. Living in love for others is pretty easy for me. Living in love for myself takes a little more work. So I work. I work hard to live in love. This allows me to know that I am enough. I am unstoppable. I am worth it & I am divinely worth all of the beautiful things coming into my life.